The White Flowers
by jjhatter
Summary: First of all: NO, THIS IS NOT SLASH. Second of all, the actual summary: a fairly normal day for the White Rabbit takes a turn for the bizarre...R&R!


Greetings, readers! First of all, let me point out something REALLY IMPORTANT: **THIS IS NOT A SLASH FANFIC! **I don't write slash; I'm not very good at it. (Yeah, I know; the nutball who pairs dormice with hatters and crazy cats can't write slash. So sue me!) How this story came about will be revealed in the story. Now, boring things must be taken care of...

Rating: K (if there is anything "naughty" or violent in here, tell me; I didn't intend anything in here to be above this rating)

Disclaimer: I do not own _Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland._ It is also very likely that I never will. If I did, Christopher Lee and Michael Gough would have had more lines, and the Cheshire Cat would have been even creepier than he was to begin with. There are also two quotes from the 1985 T.V. miniseries version of _Alice in Wonderland_ here, but I won't say where; ye who can find them shall be rewarded with a virtual cupcake! Again, don't own it. If I did, Carol Channing would have been fired from the project. (My apologies to Carol Channing fans; I like her, but everybody has their bad performance, and this was hers.)

Summary: An average day in the life of the White Rabbit...or so he thinks, until a strange plant begins to cause him more trouble than it's worth. Want to know more? Read on, knaves!

**The White Flowers**

Once upon a time, there was a young girl in a little red riding hood, aptly named Little Red Riding Hood, who, while on her way to visit her grandmother, was told by a wolf to go pick some flowers...

And this story has nothing to do with her.

Our tale begins at the home of Nivens McTwisp, the White Rabbit, and royal page to the White Queen. The Rabbit was getting dressed in his favorite blue waistcoat that morning, very eager to get out before it was too late; tonight the Queen was having a ball in honor of Alice Kingsleigh's Unbirthday. The Mad Hatter was making the Champion a hat, while the March Hare was baking the cake...and he was to be put in charge of decorating the castle's dining room.

He had just put on his cravat, and was checking his watch, when Patricial Longsig, the Goose Gardener, ran in.

"Yer honor! I want to show ye somethin'!"

"What is it, Pat!"

"Come see for yerself!" honked Pat, and waddled out again.

McTwisp sighed, and followed his friend (as well as his servant, though that, quite honestly, was more of a label than anything else) out the door.

She brought him to the carrot patch, and showed him a strange plant growing in the dirt between two barely budding carrot leaves; it was a long, thin, gray-green plant with pointed leaves and white, cup-shaped flowers covered in pale purple flecks. It appeared to be some sort of mint plant, but he couldn't be sure...

Nivens sniffed it.

"Odd...what is this flower?"

"I don' know, yer honor! I thought it might be a weed, but I figured ye may want to look at it first before I cut it up!"

"Don't; I think this would make a nice centerpiece for the dining table tonight. Put in a pot, and come back. Quick now!"

A few minutes later, the White Rabbit darted into the dining room of Marmoreal Palace.

A group of monkeys waited for him there.

"Late again!" one screeched.

"I know; I was...sidetracked," said the Rabbit, nodding at the plant in his paws.

The monkey shrugged.

Nivens placed the plant on the windowsill, and quickly ordered the monkeys off. There were streamers to be hung, tables to be set, candles to be placed...

All in all, the work took nearly an hour. By now, the Rabbit had changed into his white and blue page's uniform, and was barking orders out quickly; he didn't do much lifting himself, but the monkeys (being...well, monkeys) argued and fought so much it was very hard to keep them in order. One mischievous ape began to swing on the streamers, and, of course, they tore. He was sent to get some new ones, but no sooner had this been taken care of, then a group of monkeys carrying one of the dining tables set it down on one's toe, and, naturally, they began to bite and wrestle. (The brawl got so bad, the Rabbit actually threatened to send for Mallymkun. Of course, that immediately shut them all up, and they remained fairly quiet for the remainder of the process.)

In the end, the Rabbit finally placed the potted plant onto the center of the dining table, and sighed, plopping down into a chair, mopping his brow with a blue silk handkerchief.

"Tired, McTwisp?"

The Rabbit jumped up out of his chair and looked around, ears up and nose twitching, on full alert.

No one was there...

"He-Hello?" he called out to the empty room. "Wh-who is it? Did someone c-call me?"

"No," said the voice. "I whispered to you."

The Rabbit gulped, ears flattening back again; he knew that voice too well...

"Ch-Chessur!" he called out, trying, and failing, to keep his composure. "Show yourself! I'm in n-no mood for your games!"

"If you insist."

The Rabbit yelped and took a few quick hops backward as the Cheshire Cat appeared, floating belly-up, scant inches from his face.

"D-don't do that!" snapped the rabbit.

Chessur grinned, as usual, his smile widening as the White Rabbit shuddered at the sight of his pointed fangs, and spun around so that he was floating on his stomach.

"Do you want me to apologize?" he purred smoothly.

"Y-you wouldn't mean it if you d-d-did..."

Chess chuckled.

"No," he confirmed. "I wouldn't."

Nivens just frowned. Madness, he hated cats...dogs, too, for that matter.

Well...Bayard was an exception, but that was only because the bloodhound had told him outright that he didn't like rabbits (as food). With the Cheshire Cat, there was no such guarantee; he'd been chased by one as a young rabbit, and the trip to Overland certainly hadn't helped his nerves when wildcats and several dogs always seemed eager to take a bit out of him.

Needless to say, he and Chessur were not on the best of terms.

"What are you doing here, anyway?" he asked, moving over to the table and acting like he was inspecting it for...well, anything, really. "Don't you have anyone else to torture with your mischief?"

The cat evaporated onto a chair at the far end of the table, which, unfortunately, is the area the Rabbit had moved to, in the hopes of putting as much distance between him and the cat as possible.

"I don't," he said simply. "I was just wondering how things for the party tonight were going, and thought I'd stop by and visit."

"By which you mean, annoy everyone."

Chessur shrugged with a smirk.

"Annoy, visit, pester, drop by...take your pick."

The Rabbit sighed irritably.

"I'm d-doing fine. Please, if you don't have anything else to-"

He stopped as the cat suddenly jumped onto the table, sitting on his haunches, and sniffed the air.

"Do you...smell something?" he asked.

Nivens shook his head.

"No...wh-what is it?"

"I'm not sure, but it smells...nice..."

The Rabbit raised an eyebrow at the cat, who suddenly looked very, VERY excited...

"Hold it!" the cat said, and nodded at something behind the Rabbit. "What's that?"

The Rabbit turned.

The Cheshire Cat's glowing eyes were locked on the plant in the center of the table.

"Oh, th-th-that? I-it's just a flower Pat found in the gardens. I brought it here a-as a decoration."

"How thoughtful of you," the cat mumbled distractedly, floating closer to the plant.

The Rabbit backed away slightly, confused and, quite frankly, unnerved; the cat was circling the plant like a vulture, purring loudly. The look on his face resembled the look he'd been caught flashing at the Hatter's signature top hat from time to time...

"Ah...Chessur? Wh-what are you doing?"

The cat didn't answer. He paused in mid-air, and sniffed at the flowers...

And, without any warning whatsoever, sent the potted plant flying off the table and smashing to the ground. The pot shattered, and soil scattered everywhere.

Nivens yelped and then, just as quickly, glared at the cat, picking up his dignity and taking a few steps forward.

"Why...! How dare you? The monkeys and I cleaned this place up till our paws ached, and Pat..."

He trailed off, absolutely shocked by what he saw.

The Cheshire Cat was rolling around in the soil that covered the floor. His purrs were so loud the lapin swore the entire castle would hear them.

"...Chessur?"

The cat rolled onto his stomach, plucking a flower off the plant on the floor and breathing in its scent.

_"Twinkle, twinkle, little bat," _he sang softly. _"How I wonder what you're at..."_

"Very nice," Nivens said slowly, concern and confusion etched into his features. "Are you...?"

_"Twinkle, twinkle, little skunk...how I wonder if you're drunk..."_

"...Beg pardon?"

_"Twinkle, twinkle, little ant!"_ the Cat shouted, then whispered to himself, _"You do look strange without your pants..."_

McTwisp was silent, eyes wide. It was clear the cat was currently not himself.

"Um...yes...ahem...well," he stuttered, "You just...stay here, Chessur; I'll...er...get the Queen and...be right back."

The Rabbit turned around and hopped towards the door.

"No! Don't go yet!"

The Rabbit let out a shrill cry as he suddenly found himself lying on his back on the floor, pinned down by a very large (and very dusty) Cheshire Cat.

_Oh, Mirana's mother! He'll actually do it! He'll eat me!_

"Ch-Chessur!" he squeaked shrilly, sounding more like a caught rat than a rabbit, trying to squirm free. "H-h-ha-have you l-l-lost your s-senses?"

He froze, face blank and eyes wide, at what happened next.

First of all, the cat giggled.

_GIGGLED._

Like a _kitten._

Then, in a voice that was even more coy than usual, he meowed, "You're funny."

Third, Nivens looked into the cat's eyes. They didn't LOOK angry, or even hungry...in fact, they looked wild, but not dangerously so, like a young kitten trying to chase its tail.

Fourth, the Cheshire Cat nuzzled him.

Yes, NUZZLED him.

After about two minutes, Nivens brain finally began to work again as he flew back from the void of utter astonishment, and he quickly realized what was going on.

_The flowers! Something about the new flowers is making him act like this!_

"Ahem...c-cat?" he coughed, voice soft and cracked. "Cat, please...let me up...?"

Chessur giggled again, and licked the rabbit's nose. He grinned hugely.

"You're yummy."

Nivens shivered.

Suddenly – though McTwisp certainly wasn't about to complain about it – the Cat had evaporated onto the table. He was crouched on it, tail lashing about, like he wanted to pounce on something.

"Hey! Nivens!" he said, smiling in a way the rabbit could only describe as "goofy," and sounding very much like a child who had just eaten two bags of caramel morsels, "Guess what! Guess what!"

"Wh-what?"

"I want to play a game! Want to play with me?"

McTwisp gulped, not liking where this was going at all.

"Wh-what sort of g-g-game?"

"A fun one, of course!"

"All right...wh-what are the rules?" asked the White Rabbit, walking forward but in a semicircle, the cat tracing his movements with dilated eyes. McTwisp hoped that he could get close to the plant, snatch it up, and get it away from the cat. If he could remove the flower from the room, perhaps Chessur would finally go back to his normal self.

Granted, the White Rabbit didn't know exactly how good or bad that was, but he was certainly less likely to start chasing him around if he was calm and collected than if he was...this way.

"Well, I'll ask you a question, and, if you get it right, you get a point!"

"And then I do the same?"

"Yes, yes!"

"And...when does it end?"

"Hmm...don't know, don't care! Will that work?"

Nivens smiled slightly. The cat's exuberance would be comical under different circumstances.

In any case, he was clearly not about to refuse.

"Well, all right...you first."

"Very well! What color is Alice's hair?"

"Blonde."

"Yes! Your turn!"

Nivens bit his lip, taking another step towards the plant, trying not to look at it. The cat, thankfully, didn't seem to realize his intentions.

"Er...what is Mallymkun's favorite tea?"

"I've never asked! My turn! What is Thackery's favorite cake?"

"Battenberg."

"Right again! Your turn!."

"What is the Mad Hatter's hat made of?"

"Oh, that's easy! She's made of..."

The Cheshire Cat never finished.

The Rabbit snatched up the plant in one paw, and, without another word, never looking back, sprinted out of the room.

"HEY! GIVE THAT BACK!" yelled Chessur from somewhere behind.

Nivens didn't dare turn around. He bounded through the hallways of Marmoreal, fairly certain he was running for his life.

"YOUR MAJESTY!" he screamed. "HELP! YOUR MAJES-_OOF!"_

With a grunt, he fell to the floor, once again pinned by the Cheshire Cat.

Chessur hissed angrily.

"You cheated!" he snarled. "Put them down!"

The Rabbit complied; he figured it was a better alternative to having his throat cut open.

Immediately, the cat got off him, sitting before the plant, sniffing the flowers with a smile.

McTwisp, sensing it was time to go, edged away...

And nearly groaned in frustration as he was pinned a third time. Chessur smirked, and then rolled over, bringing the Rabbit with him, until the cat was on his back, holding the rabbit in his paws like an enormous stuffed toy.

"You were mean," he growled, sulkily. "I should bite off your tail, silly rabbit..."

McTwisp whimpered.

"But I won't," Chess smiled, and then yawned. Nivens squirmed in discomfort at the jaws opening very close to his head; the Cat was only a little bigger than him, but it was enough to make him worry even more.

"I'm sleepy," Chessur mumbled, and nuzzled the Rabbit again, who by this point was fairly certain he was going to need therapy. "Mmm...Nivens? Will you...do me a favor?"

"Wh-wh-what?"

"Please, tell Mally...she's yummy, too..."

And, in less than time than it takes a hummingbird to flap its wings, the cat fell asleep, a dreamy smile on his face, virtually dead to the world.

Nivens bit his lip again, and tried to squirm out of the Cat's grip...but the sleeping feline muttered in his sleep (the only words Nivens caught were "precious Hat") and squeezed him tighter.

Then, and only then, did help arrive.

"McTwisp?" came a soft, honey-sweet voice. "Nivens? Was that you shrieking? What's going...?"

"Your Majesty! Save me!"

The White Queen gasped, gliding over quickly and managing to pry the rabbit free.

The cat mumbled something about feathers, and fell silent, still laying on his back.

Both the Queen and the Rabbit were helpless to do anything but stare.

"What happened, Nivens?" the Queen asked at long last.

"I-I-I don't know, Y-Your Majesty!" stuttered the panicking Rabbit. "I-I f-found some new flowers to d-decorate the P-P-Palace dining room for t-tonight, and the...the Cat popped up, and smelled them, and...and..."

"And what, McTwisp?"

"Well...quite frankly, he went _gallymoggers!_ He was acting like a ch-child, wanted to p-play games, and..."

A pale finger on his whiskered lips silenced him.

A knowing smile threatened the queen's lips.

"Nivens, could you hand me those flowers?"

The Rabbit nodded, and very, very, VERY carefully picked up the mysterious plant, and gave it to the White Queen.

The Queen held the flowers up to her face, looked at them for several seconds...

And then began to laugh.

"Oh! Oh, Nivens, I'm sorry! I can't help it!" she gasped out between chuckles. "I _am_ sorry for you!"

"Wh-wh-what do you mean, Your Majesty?"

"McTwisp...these are no ordinary flowers! This is _catnip!"_

**And the moral of the story is this: never...NEVER EVER...let this author drink two liters of Barq's Root Beer after watching **_**Spamalot**_** EVER AGAIN.**


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